http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1034331/
Written as I watched it, via TWITTER:
I just started to watch Righteous Kill. 01:51 seconds in and I’m inclined to stop. Mind is nagging me: “But it’s Al! And Robert!”. Sigh.
Mmm… I just had an idea. Live movie review. I’ll twit about the film as I form my opinions on it. This won’t become a habit (I hope).
So far, opening credits sequence is having multiple orgasms. “Look! Al and Robert ON SCREEN TOGETHER!!!” *cums*
Not only that, the music is laughably innapropriate and the edition is pathetic. I should note I’m only TWO MINUTES IN.
Opening credits sequence ends with Al and Bobby laughing with each other. I’ll be surprised if it gets worse from here — nah, I won’t.
I should note I already know how the movie ends (couldn’t resist reading Editing Room’s hilarious abridged script of this film).
(Don’t worry, there’ll be no spoilers)
Director Jon Avnet seems unable to sustain an angle for more than two seconds before cutting to another. Also, awkward slow-mos.
0h07m. Attempts to create chemistry between Bobby and Al so far complete failures. Al is on automatic pilot, particularly.
Scratch that: Al is just awkward. “Cleaning green green green”, dear fuck
Wow. How many cameras does Avnet use to film a single conversation?
Righteous Kill, 0h10m. “Rambo the Skateboard Pimp”? What? Seriously?
Even if I didn’t know the end, I think it’d get pretty obvious by now, at eleven minutes.
“She gets my sperm level so low I gotta sit down to take a piss”. Oh, god, Bobby, you didn’t just UTTER THAT…!
Take his academy award back from him RIGHT NOW. Christ.
“It’s an abandoned linen factory, Jessica”. Exposition, GO!
Righteous Kill, 15 minutes in. I swear Pacino hit his head somewhere and forgot how to act. Also, he won’t stop chewing on something.
The girl interpreting Counsel is incredibly bad. And that’s not because she’s beside Pacino and De Niro, since both are weak here too.
Attempts to create chemistry between Al and Bobby getting desperate: talking about Underdog during a serious police operation.
17 minutes in. Horrible camera zoom in on Pacino and De Niro when they notice something’s about to go wrong.
Immensely fat guy gets shot multiple times = WIN. Knew this film couldn’t be ALL bad.
20 minutes in. One of the actresses seem to ignore that when you get shot, it hurts quite a lot and you’re supposed to show signs of pain.
Movie is now using the “two cops get shit from their superior” cliche. Surprise surprise.
“They’re like Lennon and McCartney”, someone just said about Bobby and Al. Because, you know, they’re in a band and everything. *headdesk*
Righteous Kill, 23 minutes in. I cannot believe this movie made it out of the first two pages of script. @oldhat You shall suffer with me
I mean, 50 fucking Cent is acting more naturally then Al goddamn Pacino. Bobby is holding his own as best as he can, though.
25 minutes in. A serial killer who leaves poems. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And Avnet adds a flashback of a poem being dropped on a corpse to make sure the audience understands this complex concept.
30 minutes in. The ending twist is absurdly obvious to anyone with a tenth of a brain.
Ah, Carla Gugino… what the fuck are you doing in this film?
“Getting shit from superior” cliche makes a second appearance.
Avnet seems to believe “chemistry” means making Bobby and Al laugh with each other all the time.
“Lightyears measure distance, not time”. I’m sure screenwriter Gerwitz patted himself on the back after coming up with that line.
Righteous Kill, 33 minutes in. Avnet is ripping off Quentin Tarantino’s camera movement in the beggining of “Reservoir Dogs” now.
Also, he’s managing to fuck it up. Somehow.
“I wasn’t worried about prison, but losing the gun and the shield scared me.” Sure, because you’d keep both in prison. (sigh)
Am I really only 35 minutes in? Oh fuck
Come on, Pacino… you were in the best film I’ve ever seen. What’s going on with you, are you gong Frank Miller on me?
Righteous Kill, 38 minutes in. The movie telegraphs the ending twist via a ridiculously misplaced joke.
Ominous music plays as several characters realize something. Filmed so ridiculously I cracked up on the spot.
John Leguizamo is also embarassingly bad. This movie is determined to destroy the careers of everyone who was in “Carlito’s Way”.
Probably Viggo Mortensen and Sean Penn will show up next as a stereotypical gay couple.
Righteous Kill, 42 minutes in. Movie’s using split screen to try and pretend it has a sense of humor and\or style.
Quick pause on the film just so I can recover my will to live.
Alright. 44 minutes in. Back to live-reviewing “Righteous Kill”. Almost one hour to go. In the name of professionalism, I have to endure it.
There’s still hope for Bobby De Niro. Even in a film like this, he’s capable of keeping his dignity somehow. Pacino, please, try harder.
51 minutes in. They find a handwritten poem. They think the killer is a cop. Do they compare caligraphy? No. NYPD is apparently very dumb.
The dialogue! The DIALOGUE! Ears BLEEDING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!
58 minutes in. Pacino is completely lost, but I’ll admit he didn’t have a good character to begin with. Still, he chose to be on this film.
Righteous Kill, one hour in. Jon Avnet is jump-cutting Pacino’s head to the right of the frame, then left, then center. Why? STYLEZ!!!
“Perez is too smart to be that stupid”. EARS BLEEDING! AAAAAAAAAGH!!
Righteous Kill, 1h07m in. Carla Gugino is helping me endure this torture.
Sudden fast-forward for STYLEZ!!!
01h11m. Fifty Cent just made a ridiculous reference to “Silence of the Lambs” – which also lacks any sense at all (posterior note: the reference, not the film)
Subjective camera, more fast-forward, STYLEZ STYLEZ STYLEZ God kill me now
Hey guess what: film once again telegraphs who the killer actually IS by letting us see a piece of his clothing.
1h18m, Righteous Kill. Film actually has an acceptably funny scene at this point. Now it shall return to mediocrity.
Apparently, being shot in the head makes you leap six feet against a window.
And the movie reveals the killer! Wow! I… I can’t believe it! All this time it was… it was exactly who I thought it was! Wow.
Also apparently, just falling idly is enough to break a wooden door.
Obligatory flashback sequence, because it wasn’t obvious ENOUGH yet.
1h28m, Righteous Kill. I’m speechless at this point.
1h31. The movie makes a joke at the ending of “Heat”, after doing so with the end of “Carlito’s Way”. I return to speechlessness.
And it’s over. Finally. One of the worst films of 2008, easily. The worst to feature two fantastic actors, certainly.
